M is a 74 year old lesbian. Married to J. She is retired from Educational Management and spent Lockdown in Somerset . J tells us that M is generous, reliable and loving.
J is a 64 year old lesbian. Married to M. She spent Lockdown in Somerset and is a retired Primary teacher. M tells us that J is loving, enterprising and honest.
HOW DID YOU MEET?
M - I was married in a long term relationship. I was in my 60s when I divorced. I was living in another rural part of the UK, which was OK, but wouldn’t give me room to express myself as a gay woman, so I was like, ‘I’ve got to get out of here’. So I got out and I wanted to talk to other gay people. I found a website and was linked up to a small group. In that small group of 40 women, suddenly a person called J came onto the screen and I went ‘Wow!’
J - We’ve only been together for about 3 and a half years. We met in 2017 and in 2018 we married. We are extremely happy. I was previously in a 10 year relationship. After that relationship, I didn’t think I was going to meet anyone else. I joined this online friendship group and me and M just clicked! We have lots in common, we were both involved in education in our careers and we both love dancing!
M - In fact, I was on holiday at a carnival and had no one dance with. At that stage, J and I were just talking and having a conversation with someone who could help and understand a similar situation…but I was interested, I must admit! I wrote to J, ‘Oh, I’ve just been out and had no one to dance with,’ and she wrote back saying, ‘I’ll dance with you.’ So it was dancing that started everything.
ON LOCKDOWN LIFE
M - We both love travelling, culture, dancing and art. We had lots of plans to travel. When the world closed in by Covid, it meant you were still exploring, but in the small and minute. Seeing the detail rather than the big picture. Finding joy in the small little things.
J - [To M, jokingly] Keep your hands still.
M - Sorry I always talk with my hands!
J -We found lots of walks, we made a book of all the things we did in Lockdown. All the things we appreciated. The flowers, the birds, the nature. Somerset gave us that tranquillity.
M - Somerset wasn’t the right place for us to be though, it was too conservative of a place.
J - We were pretty badly treated. We felt like we couldn’t be ourselves. We had people turn their backs on us and we knew it was because we were a gay couple. We needed to get out, somewhere where we could be us and be free.
M - We tried very hard to make the clap for the NHS a little bit different. But it was not appreciated. It was like ‘What an earth are you doing’.
J - We also put a big rainbow flag out of the window.
M - One time, I banged a big bucket and one time I banged a big saucepan, put our funny hats on and all the rest of it. But honestly. They just…nothing.
J - The pub did take away and free beer on a Friday, so that was something we always looked forward too. The Thursday clap as well, even though the people around us were miserable, it was a routine, ‘That time of the week again’.
M - When we went out we made it a thing to talk to people. When people responded that was great, we had some people who hang their head and didn’t want to speak.
J - I don’t think that was because we were a couple.
M - I’m not sure about that one.
J - We made sure we did one walk a day. We also did a village quiz, which we won. That was good fun. If anything Lockdown brought us closer. We were privileged to have a space for us and an outdoor space especially in the summer.
M - When we moved the neighbour said to us, ‘I’m going to miss your laughter’. I hadn’t realised that we obviously sat in that garden that whole time laughing!
ON LGBTQIA+ VISIBILITY
M - I have never been out as much as I am now. When I was younger I had to look the word lesbian up in the dictionary because I couldn’t understand my feelings. I was expected to get married. So I pushed it away and did what I thought I had to do. There are lots of people of our age group that are not out and hidden, really hidden. The scariest thing is the thought that some of those people will find themselves in care homes and won’t be able to express who they are and how they feel. Their lives will always be hidden and it’s awful.
M - It’s like we move through our lives like little ghosts really. We are there, people can see us, but we don’t have the clear features of ourselves for everybody to see.
J - We are as good as anyone else. We are a couple in love. It doesn’t matter who you love. Here we are.
M - It took me a long while to hold J’s hand and not worry about what people were thinking. I don’t care now.
J - When I worked in education I felt guilty that I was not allowed to speak about things. I tried to be as honest as could, but I would have lost my job if I said the things I wanted to say.
M - For me, I’ve always felt behind doors, behind gauze, hidden. Even amongst the people who think they know me, they don’t know me. A lot of people didn’t, haven’t and never will. Even though younger generations are more visible, the fight is not over.
ON SOCIALISING PRE-COVID
J - I have gone to LFest [www.lfest.co.uk] every year. It’s a women’s festival. I’ve missed it so much this year. We were also booked to be going to Lesbos to a women’s festival. I’ve really missed that too. In Somerset, we were part of the Somerset Lesbian Network. [www.intercomtrust.org.uk/directory/somerset/somerset-lesbian-network] In Taunton, they had a women’s disco and it was fantastic, we could dance and slow dance together which we can’t normally do.
M - We went to York and Halifax and had a brilliant four days of walking organised by a woman who sets up gay holidays. We were doing things that were allowing us to meet other gay people and we miss that.
J - I love soul music, I love a bit of cheese too, M likes Jazz.
M - The last gathering we attended was a Christmas disco in December 2019. If I knew what was to come, I would have danced the night away. I would have refused to let them close!
ON BEING A COUPLE THROUGH COVID
J - Because M is older than me, I thought I would be more of a carer than she would be to me. But over Lockdown I had a health scare, which then made us aware of how changeable our roles are as a couple.
M - Covid has introduced a threat of death and that has made me very reflective. There was this feeling that we had met each other, the sun was coming up, we’d done so many things and it had been extraordinary, fabulous, at last! At last. Then to have Covid suddenly come in on the side has made me aware of mortality.
J - I love all the ways we have managed to support each other in this one year. If I’ve been low, M’s been stronger. If M’s been low, I’ve been stronger. You both can’t be high all the time.
M - All we need now is a birth! But we are not bothering with it at the moment! Haha!
J - It’s been so good to have someone who just understands me. Letting me be me.
M - J and I have just found each other. We are very happy and long may it last!
